Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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