I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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