Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
