I am spending my child support on dildos
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
