well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
