I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
