Buhtt sex?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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