You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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