we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
