I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
