nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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