I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
