Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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