i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
