and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
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We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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