Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
