I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
