Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
