I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
