I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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