So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
