Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
