He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
