If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My ass is underappreciated
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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