Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
