apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
