Three words: puerto rican gang bang
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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