That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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