just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
