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I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
