I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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