I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
