I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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