I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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