if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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