i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i think i just lost a toe
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
