my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
