Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
