were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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