Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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