Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
