How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
