So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
