I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
