Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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