She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
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You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
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I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Congratulations! We have a period
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