Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Randomize
