An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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