dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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