I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
