This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
