When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
