I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
