youre lurking in front of me
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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