omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
