i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
