youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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