if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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