i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
